Alvida!

Saying goodbye to a decade long friendship

Even today when I make friends, my heart says ‘this is a lifelong friendship. Love transcends the societal barriers and melts to create more memories’ but then I also feel this tinge of pain, knowing that somebody that I loved for ten years, now no longer knows how my day was and I no longer have the privilege of knowing what she had for lunch.

We were 15 year olds, in a new educational institute and she believed we could be friends because I showed her a mole i found that morning on my palm and told her ‘this is a new one!’ we had known each other only for a month by then. I loved how creativity flowered through her fingertips and she admired my confidence. I knew that every year for her birthday party, there would be chicken xacuti, chicken chilly and paav that her mom made and it was one of those only chicken dishes that were finger licking good and I also remember the year her family dog passed away just the day before her birthday - she called me early in the morning and we met in the college before anybody else came, to hold hands and tend to the deep wound the sweet dog had left in her family's heart.

She knew that if we were sitting down on the floor to have meal, I could never keep the dish on the floor, I preferred to keep it on my lap so that I could eat comfortably and she always gently encouraged me to lift the plate if I kept it on the floor because she didn't want me to inconvenience myself. She made the best masala omlette and once stayed up late at midnight to make birthday cake for me. She knew that I could never cut things proportionally and always offered to hold the scissors.

We could confide in each other about everything and not without judgement! That's important! We would give fair judgements with compassion and kindness which would help the other to make decisions. We would make silly jokes. We had this running joke wherein we would just say NAMDA. I don't want to explain it because nobody else but her would understand how funny it was.

Then misunderstandings arrived like a non stop flight. There was no layover in between to pause and reflect, both of us were hurt and took the time apart. We missed each other. I remember blabbering her name when I had high fever..and then we started talking again. We realised that both of us had viewed the breakup differently. She looked at it practically thinking “not everybody is meant to be with us” and while today, I agree with her wisdom, that time I just wanted her to say “I missed you too”we started talking again but deep down we both knew that it wasn't going to be same.

And we had our final big fight. Things were said that cannot be taken back. It's been months. We have blocked each other everywhere and while I still miss her, I cherish the memories we have spent together. I no longer have photos of her, she doesn't know that I am raising 2 cats with my partner and yes, it hurts. There is no denying the pain. Breakups are messy. The point of writing this newsletter is to convey the same- friendship breakups hurt like your heart has been taken out from your chest and twisted and it will be a agony like you have never known. You will search for songs on friendship breakups, rant about it and wipe your eyes when you remember them. That's okay. It's okay to move ahead in life while also being emotional. Incredible love will come with both - joy that sweeps you up your feet and grief that weighs you down. Both tells us that we are human..

-Sini Fernandes